So I'm sitting here trying to think of something to say besides the usual crap I've been entering all week, bitching and moaning about how much I hate where I am right now in my life. I know things will change- I know they will get better. Nothing in life is stagnant. That is what makes it so interesting- so hard to let go of. You never know what tomorrow is going to have in store for you. I know that sounds cliche, but its true. I could wake up tomorrow, and something wonderful could happen- or something terrible- or nothing at all. The anticipation of the unknown is what is so compelling about existence. Hell, that is the same premise behind birthday presents and christmas gifts when you were younger- 90% of the fun is the anticipation. A mere 5 minutes of unwrapping presents, and its all over. The real joy is in counting down the days until the moment arrives. Life is more complicated than that, however. You never know when your 'christmas gift' is going to arrive. You never know when something beautiful is going to happen to you. Hell, you don't even know if it ever will- but it might, and that is what keeps us going- that and an ingrained genetic desire to fuck. Or, if you're a parent, to make sure you're child grows up and is able to experience the same rollercoaster you've been on. I keep thinking back to American Beauty. For some reason that movie has always been so tragically uplifting to me. I love the scene when Lester is in the kitchen talking to Jane's friend- asking her about his daughter, wondering how she is doing. "She's good, actually. She thinks she's in love." And then this smile creeps across Kevin Spacey's face- this look of shere joy in knowing that his daughter is experiencing what it truly means to be alive- a realization that only a parent can probably truly comprehend- that I can only imagine. I think that is perhaps why I feel as lost as I do. I don't feel like I have a purpose right now. Not that I'm saying I want a child- jesus, wouldn't that be a cosmic joke- me trying to raise a child.... A co-worker of mine and I were chatting a couple of years ago about something somewhat trivial- I think it had something to do with my admitted lack of motivation. He said something to me, while it was only in passing, that has stuck with me til this day. "You'll understand when you have kids. Everything changes." What he was really saying is that when you have more to look out for than youself alone, your priorities become focused and clear- you suddenly undertand your place in the world and your reason for being. I don't think having a kid is a requisit for that to happen, but I am not at that point right now. I don't know if I ever will be, but I think he is right. These days, with parenthood more of a planned event and a lifestyle choice than anything else, I think a lot of people, like myself, tend to loose sight of the important things in life- it gets harder to find that motivation and direction. I will be 28 in a little over a week. 50 years ago, at my age I would have been married and prob already had two or three children by now. But today, I feel like a 28 year old teenage boy who really only cares about his own level of personal satisfaction. I wake up every morning for the daily races, but end up going nowhere, because I don't have any idea where the finish line is. I end up running in circles. At what point do you stop finding meaning in your life? It isn't an overnight process, I know that much. You just wake up one morning and realize its gone- and it has been for a while- we get so cought up in the mundane routine, walking through life like a horse with blinders, pulling our own baggage, that we forget to take stock of the things that make up living- and then they're gone. At what point do you find them again, if ever? The upside of all of this is that the things that make up living are still there- burried in dust and trivialities that we have shoveled onto it. All we have to do it dig it out again, blow off the dust and realize that in the end, none of the bullshit matters. I had a discussion with someone not too long ago about whether self realization is a blessing or a curse- the knowledge of our own mortality. does the fact that we know we're all going to die someday make life easier or harder? We disagreed on a few of the finer points, and the consequences of that knowledge- but in the end, I think we can both agree that it ends up all boiling down to that one proverbial anology- it all depends on if you see the glass as half full or half empty. When you look at the glass as half empty, all you see is the bullshit, dust and triviality that has become your life. When you look at it as half full, you look past all of that inconsequential stuff and see the beauty that existence can hold- if you're willing to look.

My sheets should be dry by now. I am going to make my bed and head off to what should be a peaceful nights sleep.

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