I'm sitting here watching my cigarette burn. the smoke is billowing in front of me, and it is beautiful.

I was up until almost 5am last night chatting with a new friend, and I made an admission that I really didn't think too much about until this morning- I am a bad person. In the absence of being in a relationship with someone I truly care for, I use people. I've been doing it since Emily and I split 6 months ago. I want nothing more than to be with someone I care deeply about, but that has been hard to come by. No one I have met recently has met the criteria, but it doesn't stop me from dating them. Lucy and I had a discussion last night over at Don's about relationships, and I basically said that I date someone until I find someone else I like more. That of course isn't fair to the people that I have been dating- from Anne to Jessica, and undoubtedly from Jessica to someone else- as soon as they come along. I know Jessica is really starting to like me, and I know that should end things with her now before she becomes really attached, but I won't. Why can't I just settle on being alone until that special person comes along? I've been thinking about that today, and it isn't an emotional need at all- I think its purely sexual. I just like it too much to go without. Jerking off just isn't the same. I think most guys are like me, which is why we are pigs. I seriously am hoping at this point that I can get back in touch with Mrs. Robinson. If her and I were to have a relationship, we would both be in it for the same reasons, which would be a welcome change. I feign emotional attachment to people like Jessica because it provides me with sex. Nipple ring girl basically told me the other day that I'm the best sex she's had, and that she hasn't been with a guy who wants to go more than one round in a session. I am more than likely more emotionally attentive to her than her previous boyfriends. This of course is going to end badly. Her and I usually end up doing it a couple of times in a row whenever I see her- I like sex with her because she is very vocal and makes it plain as day that she is enjoying herself- Anne wasn't like that, which is why I didn't like sex with her. Last Saturday I was over at Jessica's, and we did it a couple of times before I drove home, and as soon as I got in, I jerked off. Its all I've been thinking about recently. She stayed the night on Friday for the first time- I think that is a big step for her. I was really glad she stayed- not because I want her to sleep over, but because I know she'll be there if the urge hits again, which of course it did. we did it twice before we went to sleep, once when I woke up around 4, and then again before she left for work at 7. Then I jerked off when I woke up around noon. I'm becoming one of those chronic masturbaters. I am going to NYC this next weekend to see Lissa- one of my first girlfriends. We are nothing more than friends at this point, but I find myself hoping we have sex while I'm there. That isn't the reason I am going, but I am hoping for it nonetheless. I still think back on the weekend Emily and spent in Chicago back in January. I actually lost count of how many times we did it that weekend. I think it was nine or ten times....in 48 hours. I don't even know how we managed to get to the art museum and the aquarium while we were there. I still miss her. Not as badly as I did before, mainly because I'm getting it from Jessica now, but the hurt is still there. I had the best of both worlds with Emily, but she was a fucking nut job, which is why I broke things off. My heart still kind of jumps a little whenever I see a gold Buick Century...which is what she drove. I don't know what I'd do if I ever ran into her somewhere. Prob fall into a depression. Isn't that pathetic?

I thought I had a lot to say today, but if you couldn't tell, my mind is on other things.

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