When I read the email that Emily sent me, all of these feelings and emotions that I have been trying so hard to bury came rushing back to the surface as if a levy had broken. I nearly started crying at my desk... had I been alone, I know I would have. Without even thinking about it, I wrote her back:

Congratumations fer gettin yer learn on!
Seriously, thats really great and I'm happy for you. I bet it feels good having that out of the way.

Since we're sharing, I thought I'd share some things with you that you'd like to know:
There hasn't been a day that has gone by I haven't thought about you.
There hasn't been a day that has gone by I haven't wanted to call and apologize to you.
Whenever I see a gold Buick Century, I look to see if its you driving.
Whenever I hear about the Spongbob movie, I think, "I'm sure Em and Riley are going to see that."
I saw your car at Tanks months and months ago- and purposely drove by a couple of hours later to see if it was still there. Not sure why- I would have been just as upset if it had still been there as I was when I saw that it wasn't....

I don't really expect you to care about any of these things, but I've wanted to tell you for so long that I am really sorry. I tried convincing myself for so long that I did the right thing, but I finally had to admit that I prob made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I realized that I've never loved anyone as much as you. I just wasn't grown up enough to deal with it.

I didn�t really expect her to write back- I figured she was just letting me know she graduated as a little, �Fuck you- I told you I would do something with my life.� I spend the rest of the day at work yesterday an utter wreck. I couldn�t concentrate on work if my life depended on it. Shortly after I got home, she called. We talked on the phone for close to an hour- mostly about what happened. Why I hadn�t called earlier to apologize, why things went wrong, etc etc. Now, I think I had every right to say what I did- not exactly in the manner in which I said it, but it needed to be said. Things with her and I weren�t working, she wasn�t doing anything with her life, etc etc. What I didn�t do however, was give her a chance to respond. I completely tore into her and then slammed the door and walked away. I know I shouldn�t have said the things I said, and I tried to apologize to her for saying them at the time, but she was hurt, and wasn�t quite ready to accept the apology, so I turned and ran. There have been so many times over the last six months that I have wanted to talk to her, and every time I convinced myself I needed to just let it go. Well, eight months later, it became very clear to me while sitting at my desk choking down the tears that I hadn�t let it go- I couldn�t. So we talked. She told me that there have been several times she has fought back the urge to call or email- that she misses me as much as I miss her, but that I had hurt her more than anyone else ever has, and she needed me to make the first move. She told me that she had truly thought her and I were meant to be together- that she would have married me had I just asked. She told me how she went to a prayer vigil at her son�s school last month, and she wanted more than anything in the world to call me up and complain about the whole thing, because she knew I would understand. We understand each other in so many ways- I don�t think that is something that either of us has been able to completely walk away from.

There are still many things left unsaid, and I have no idea where this is going to lead. I�m still not sure her and I should get back together, even she wants to...and I think she feels the same way. The way things ended eight months ago has left both of us scarred and hurt, and that may be too much to work past- I don�t know.

And to make my day yesterday even more frazzling, Hallie finally got back in touch with me. She said she was laid up at her parents for a couple of days with a head cold. Whether or not that is true, I don�t really know. We are going to see a movie this evening- unless of course she cancels again. And to top it all off, Mrs. Robinson had called Tuesday and invited me out for drinks last night. I told her when she called that I would go- seeing as how I hadn�t heard from Hallie at that point. But after talking to Emily, I wasn�t really in the mood. I should have canceled, but I didn�t. We went out with some of her friends for drinks, and she ended up staying the night. I feel like I�m being pulled in eight different directions right now, and I am seriously freaking out.

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