Just a little update on me.
2005-01-18, 2:09 p.m.

So I haven�t written anything personal on here in quite some time. I haven�t been avoiding the topic per se, I just haven�t had anything worthwhile to say with regards to my own life. I am still not talking with my father. My sister and mom keep urging me to call him and �get the ball rolling�, but I really have no desire to. I love my father, and I know he loves me, but the fact that this self-imposed silence with him has not really effected me at all speaks volumes to how distant him and I already were before all of this shit happened. Him and I have never really been close, and we�re even less so now that I�m an adult and on my own. I guess its kind of like smoking- if you smoke a pack a day for most of your life you�re going to find the withdrawal very acute and intense if you go cold turkey. On the other hand, if you only smoke on rare occasions, cutting it off all together isn�t really going to bother you one way or the other. That is my dad and I- casual smokers. As much as he has told my mom that he misses me and wishes I would call, I don�t really believe it. Back when we did talk every couple of weeks, it was mindless bullshit conversations- "how�s the weather, how�s work, yadda yadda yadda.� Him and I have never really had much to talk about, so I�m not exactly sure what it is that he proclaims to be missing. If he was really interested in my life and how I am doing, why has he never made an effort to visit me in the five years I�ve lived here? I think what he�s really saying is that he wants this to be over so his relationship with Paula can get back to normal (relatively speaking). When he talked to my mom last week he said that, �Paula is so hurt by all of this.� Is that his primary concern? How Paula is handling it? Is that why he wants me to call? So Paula will feel better? Even his reaction to what happened shows which side of the fence he�s on. She invades my privacy and reads my diary and finds all of the nasty things I�ve written in here about her, and when my dad tells me this, his reaction is, �I�ve lost all faith in you as a decent human being.� It�s easier for him to blame me than it is to blame her. When he had to pick sides and choose which person to alienate, he of course chose the person he hardly ever sees anyway because it�s easier. Instead of doing the right thing and blaming her, he blames me. He blames me for feeling the way I do- while acting as though her actions are inculpable. I'm sorry, but people can't help the way they feel any more than they can control the weather. Purposely invading someone's privacy on the other hand, certainly falls into the "shit I choose to do" category.

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