I spoke with my sister over the weekend, and apparently, my dad�s wife is trying to convince him into writing out a will and testament. She emailed my sis to ask if there was anything in particular she wanted left to her. I have really tried not to read too much into this, but the coincidence is just a little too strong. Why now, of all times, does she want him to write out a will? Why does she urge him to do this when she knows my dad and I aren�t talking? This whole situation has really metastasized the way I feel about her. Perhaps I am reading it wrong- perhaps she is trying to use this as a way of scaring me back into my relationship with my father. I would really like to believe that, but I don�t. What I believe is that she wants nothing more than to erect a concrete and barbwire fence between my dad and I. She has been pitting us against each other for a long time now, and she finally got her way. My dad and I aren�t talking. We aren�t talking because she invaded my privacy and read my diary. We aren�t talking because when she forced him to choose sides, he picked hers. I think that deep down she really resents the fact that my dad has children of his own- or perhaps she resents the fact that his children aren�t snotty disrespectful little shits like hers. I know she doesn�t like me, and that�s fine. She doesn�t have to... The feeling is mutual. I know she doesn�t like my sister. My dad had to go behind her back to send my sister money for school. Wouldn�t Paula WANT my sister to get her degree? Ever since she and my dad married, I have felt her pushing me away. Downplaying my accomplishments, while exhaling those of her son. I want to write my father a letter explaining these things to him. Explain to him how I feel. If I tried to call him I know what would happen- I wouldn�t be able to express what I want to say, and he would inevitably end up asking me to apologize to Paula which I absolutely refuse to do. With a letter I can get all of these things out without having to worry about being interrupted or misinterpreted. I can explain to him that the incident with the X-mas gift two years ago really hurt me. Why would he get my sister a 300 dollar camera and then buy me a cheap ass watch from Kohl�s, costing a fraction of what he paid for the camera? And leave the price tag on? And then lie about it and say it was on sale? How could he do that? When I bought my house 3 years ago, I sank most of what I had in savings into the down payment. I asked my father if it would be possible to borrow money for repairs IF anything terribly expensive needed fixing. Sure, he said- with 6% interest. Nothing went terribly wrong with the house (outside of the 5000 dollars I had to spend to get rid of termites and the new hot water heater I had to buy after 6 months ), but even if I really ended up needed it, I wouldn�t have borrowed the money. Not from him. Not after that. Who charges their own son interest? I don�t see how he can justify that when he�s constantly giving my sister money to help keep her head above water. I guess what it all boils down to is that I now seriously question his commitment as a father. If he is willing to put his relationship with his wife before his relationship with his son, I don�t really see much point in continuing the relationship. I need to write him a letter. I need to get these things off my chest. I need to tell him these things without worrying about his interjections. This doesn�t need to be a conversation- it needs to be a declaration. I need him to know how I feel. And most importantly, I need him to know that as disappointed and angry as I am, I still love him.

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