My summer of discontent
2005-02-11, 10:36 a.m.

I was sitting in my living room watching TV last night and talking to my roommate Jesse. She was telling me how she had a dream the night before that her mom was pregnant. Jesse is about 4 years younger than me, so I asked how old her mom is- 47, she answered. All I could think of was Mrs. Robinson. Only a few months ago, I had slept with someone the same age as my roommate�s mother. Go ahead and shudder- looking back on it, I certainly did. That really got me thinking about everything that happened during the 7 months that Emily and I were apart. During that time, I had slowly been deteriorating. At first, all I wanted was someone to take Emily�s place in my life. I wanted someone to help me forget about her and help me move on. As time went on and that didn�t happen, I became more and more detached emotionally. First I dated Michelle, and that didn�t go anywhere. Then I dated Yoshi, and due to her fear of penetration, that OBVIOUSLY didn�t- or wasn�t- going to go anywhere. Then Anne� Why I dated her for as long as I did I don�t know. This was the point where I think I really took a turn for the worse. I didn�t like her at all but continued to date her just to have someone around to screw. And the sad part is that she was a really lousy lay. She was an interesting person, but she was not attractive. In fact, I was embarrassed to be seen with her in public. Then there was Jessica. Who I would argue I may have liked even less than Anne, but was better in bed and more attractive physically and thus less of an embarrassment to be seen with. I really think I only dated her for the sex. I really loathed her personality and behavioral quirks- not to mention the nipple rings and all the tattoos. Yet, I dated her for several weeks. Why? Because at this point, I really think I was generally a bad person. I was using these people for sex. Perhaps it was more than just sex- perhaps a little of it was companionship- someone to do things with so I wouldn�t always be alone- someone to keep my mind off of Emily... Of course, that didn�t really work. After Jessica it got even worse. I slept with an old acquaintance on night, Mrs. Robinson the next night, and Hallie the night after that. In my defense, I really did like Hallie. But at only 22, her age ended up being the downfall of anything ever really developing. She was just too young and too immature. That same weekend I ended up on a date with someone else who�s name I can�t even remember, and made out for a good 20 minutes on her front porch. The night after that I met Emily for dinner and we immediately ended up back together- in my bedroom. I am still quite ashamed of all of that, to be honest. I had never been one to use people in that way until after Emily and I broke up. I think I was so broken up about the whole thing it was just easier to not care about people. I had always considered myself to be a pretty decent person who, just like everyone else, had an occasional error of judgment. I cannot use that excuse for what happened over the summer, however. I really wasn�t myself. At all. I had to think long and hard about what I wanted from my life when Emily contacted me again. I honestly think I would have continued to get worse had I decided differently. I hate to think that I needed to be with Emily to get my life back in order, but being honest with myself, I think that is indeed the case. That being said, I am glad to be back.

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