Why do we obsess so much about the past? No matter how hard I try not to, every once in a while I find myself dwelling on something that happened long ago and that of course, cannot be changed or undone. When Emily and I first started dating, I had a rather difficult time coming to grips with and accepting her past. Without getting too much into detail on the subject, her and I grew up very differently. I spent most of my time in a few long-term relationships, while Emily did the opposite. I suppose it is somewhat natural for people (I think men in particular) to have serious feelings of resentment and jealousy when it comes to past relationships, but I had never been in the position I found myself in when her and I met. I don�t know how many people she has been with, nor do I want to. I only know that it is definitely more than I have- and that bothered me. It really bothered me. Feelings of inadequacy, fear and anger would sweep over me every time I thought of it. For a while, I really didn�t think I could handle it. It just seemed like too much to deal with. As time went on, I learned to let go a little- not hold on so tight to things that were outside of my control. After all, there is nothing I can do to change what happened in my past, let alone hers. It helped for the most part. The caustic feelings were still there, but they weren�t as acute. As more time has past, I have become more accepting and less resentful of Emily�s past. I have also been questioning myself as to why I let it bother me as much as I do. Is it because I dislike what she did when she was younger? To some extent, yes- but that isn�t all of it. I came to the realization that the real reason is fear. I am afraid that she has been with someone she has liked more than she likes me. Someone who could provide more- made her laugh more, was better in bed. I wasn�t so much resentful of what she has done as I was displeased with who I am. I am constantly looking for faults in myself while refusing to accept the positive things about who I am. Should it matter to me who she has been with before we met? All that should matter is that we are both happy with who we are with now- not who we were with before and how happy they made us in comparison. The ironic thing is that Emily has expressed similar misgivings about my past as well- which I find ridiculous because there hasn�t been anyone I have cared more about than her. Yet, at the same time, I can�t accept the fact that she would feel the same way. Would I find the idea more plausible if she had only been with a handful of other men? Sometimes I think the rational side of my brain is just playing the odds- of all the men she has been with, I can�t possibly make her happier than someone else she�s dated- regardless of what she says. I always brush it off as her trying not to bruise my ego or hurt my feelings. And then I think that even if she were telling the truth, I wouldn�t believe her because I�ve already written myself off as being second rate. I had a hard time tolerating her past because I didn�t think I could measure up to it. In so many ways that is the story of my life: rejection by default. Why do people, me in particular, put so much weight into the past? Why do we let someone else�s baggage weigh us down? I know Emily isn�t happy with all of the things she has done, and I am no different. She is willing to accept me for who I am, and after a little time, I have learned to accept her for who she is- and after all, who she �is� must include who she was and what has happened to her. Because when you think about it, who a person �is� is shaped by who they were and what they have done. Emily wouldn�t be the same person she is now without her past, and she wouldn�t be the person I love.

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