Did you know you can see sperm under a regular microscope? I thought they would be too small, but that is not the case! Emily, being the sick littler pervert that she is, wanted to look at mine under the microscope yesterday, so we did. I have to say it�s a little disconcerting seeing that. All of these little tadpole looking things writhing around- all of which, mere moments earlier, had been inside of me. Its kinda creepy seeing them like that and knowing that there are millions of them inside me just swimming around. I noticed while looking at them that they all behaved very differently. Some of them were acting as though they were on crack- wriggling around in what can best be described as a frenzy. I imagined them as really excited if they were saying, �WOOHOO! Lets go, gang! Times a wastin�! Lets race! WOOHOO!!!� Others were acting quite lethargic- kinda like little nihilist sperm. They were swimming really slowly and saying, �Why are all of you in such a hurry? There�s no point! You�re not going to get to where you�re trying to go, so why even bother trying to get there? The whole exercise is futile.� And then there were the really disturbing ones- deformed. There were some with malformed heads, some with two tails... ICK! I pictured them as little Joe Merricks- the elephant men of my sperm. Shunned by society, no chance to fulfill their destiny- and doomed to die alone- ridiculed by their brethren.
Then I started thinking about how each of these things constitutes half of what is needed to create a new human being. And if all human life is precious, as Bush keeps telling us (even while he mocks people being executed by the state), and that every embryo is a human life and shouldn�t be destroyed, and that each of my countless sperm sitting on that slide is then basically half a life, how many half babies am I killing by doing this? Is the fact that they haven�t fertilized an egg made them meaningless? I mean, they�re obviously alive, right? I can see them moving around! So if they�re alive, and they have half the human DNA needed for a real person, then they�re half as precious as an embryo. And then to think of how many times I have had intercourse with no intention of getting anyone pregnant- how many half babies have died because of that? And don�t even get my started on self gratification- we�re now talking genocidal figures. Or I guess it would be infanticide in this case. And then I was thinking that every time a woman ovulates and doesn�t at least try and get pregnant, she�s guilty of the same thing as me- on a much less profound scale, of course. So basically, according to George Bush�s logic, we�re all guilty of murdering babies- or at least half babies. So basically, we�re all going to hell. Every motherfucking last one of us. I have a flashlight. I�ll lead the way.

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