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2005-07-18, 2:45 p.m. Well, here it is- after many rough drafts and way too much elapsed time, I finally wrote Paula a letter- its going in the mail tomorrow... Dear Paula- There have been several times now that I�ve tried to sit down and put into worlds some sort of an explanation or apology for what I had written and for what you unfortunately stumbled across. I know its been a long time and that you and I should probably have talked about this months ago, but at first, I was simply too angry to take that step. I was angry that my privacy had been invaded and I was angry that my father wanted me to apologize for it. However, as time has gone on and those feelings have faded, I began thinking more about what made me write the words that I did. I was no longer bitter or angry as to what had happened, but more regretful and reflective as to why it happened in the first place. I don�t know if you�re looking for an apology or if you�re even willing to try and put this in the past. I don�t know how close you and I can get even assuming that willingness exists on your part. I don�t know if this will ever be something we can just forgive and forget, and I don�t know what the next step will be assuming we�re willing to try and take it. All I know at this point is that I wanted to at least express to you the level of regret I have that any of this happened. I�ve gone back through several times and read over some of things I wrote last year and my heart sinks knowing that you�ve read them as well. I�m sure you know (or at least hope you do) that I would never have expressed those feelings of anger and frustration to you in person. If I sat here and apologized to you and told you I didn�t mean any of it I would be lying. Although those things were written a long time ago, I know at the time I was indeed feeling frustrated and angry. Like I said, I�ve spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, and I can tell you now that the mistake I made when writing those incredibly harsh things wasn�t so much that I wrote them, but to whom I directed those feelings towards. I know over the past year or so that you and I have had some problems- and I know I don�t need to explain to you what they are. While it was very easy at the time for me to brush off those problems and superficially lay the blame on you, I was never being honest with myself in doing so, and as a result, things obviously got terribly out of hand. The point I guess that I am trying to make is that I really haven�t handled your relationship with my dad very well; and for that, I do apologize. This has had nothing to do with you, and although it was very easy for me to think in those terms, it has led us to the unfortunate situation I have caused. I don�t think I handled your marriage to my dad very well because I don�t think I�ve ever handled MY relationship with my dad very well- especially after the divorce. As a result, it was very easy for me to dump my personal misgivings about him and I onto you. To say the least, that isn�t very fair to you. I don�t need to tell you that my dad and I aren�t all that close- not as close as I would want us to be, and I assume not as close as he would like, either. When I was younger, he always seemed to be working, and we never really spent as much time together as either of us would have liked. I don�t mean to sound like I resent him for it- quite the contrary. While he wasn�t around much, I have always known it was so he could provide for us the life he never had. I have seen a lot of changes in my dad since he met you, and I can tell you in all honesty that I�ve never seen him happier than these last few years. Now that I am older, and my dad (while still a workaholic) seems infinitely more relaxed, open and happy, him and I are both at a point in our lives where I think we both have the time and desire to strengthen our relationship, but after all these years, neither of us really knows how. I had a lot of expectations about things that, in hindsight, were fairly unrealistic. I was putting faith into a change that neither of us were capable of making, and when it didn�t happen, I grew angry, frustrated, and ultimately, blamed you for it. I don�t want to get too into detail on these things, but as far as the watch goes- my dad doesn�t seem to understand that I wasn�t upset about the money spent on it- it was the disparity between what was spent on my gift and Tricia�s. I was incredibly hurt by that, and since my dad had never done any of the gift shopping for my sister and I when we were growing up (that was always our mom�s job) I just assumed he had delegated that responsibility onto you. And last year, with the ceramic mugs, I realized that my dad really doesn�t know who I am anymore. I have changed quite a bit since we lived under the same roof, and while those ceramic mugs were something that was very �me� several years ago, my tastes have changed. I had already planned on discussing the option of us not exchanging gifts anymore when all of this happened. I am now aware of the fact that while I�ve always found my dad impossible to shop for, I too am now impossible to shop for as well. My point in bringing those things up is to let you know that despite how things sounded in my diary, I don�t begrudge you at all for the gifts. What I wrote in there was callous and rude, and there really isn�t any excuse for it. |
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