So I�ve held off on writing about this for a couple of reasons- first, I wanted to wait and see if it turned out to be nothing, and second, I find this kind of difficult to talk about. Things have been falling apart around me the last couple of weeks. The company I work for is on the verge of filing for bankruptcy protection. My relationship between my dad and I has disintegrated because of my carelessness, and my lack of openness and insecurity has put Emily and I in serious jeopardy. Due to factors one and two listed above, I�ve been pretty stressed out, and I broke down last week and bought a pack of cigarettes. Emily found them and needless to say, she was NOT happy. She feels like I deceived her, and in her eyes, my credibility and honesty is now a serious concern. We talked a lot last week about all of this, and I voiced a lot of the anxiety I�ve been feeling recently, especially with the prospect of having to finance a wedding and bringing two more people under my roof while potentially being unemployed. I hadn�t wanted to burden her with these concerns, but we decided that I really needed to be more open and honest with her regarding anxieties and doubts I am experiencing. Anyway, last night, she made an off hand, harmless remark about one of her old boyfriends that really cut into my pride, and rather than just keeping my mouth shut and letting it go by, I told her how it made me feel and of course an argument ensued. What really hurt me was that her response to my admission of insecurity was that she was not going to spend the rest of her life tiptoeing around my hang-ups. We spent a good two hours on the phone and a lot of things were discussed. In keeping with our earlier discussion, I was as open and forthcoming with her as I could be and expressed to her the feelings I sometimes have that she is getting bored with me and that it wasn�t so much that I was the reason she wanted to get married, but simply that I was the one that finally asked. I told her how I feel she has become more distant and unresponsive since we got engaged, and that those things have really fueled my anxiety and self-doubt. Her response to that was to claim I was simply bringing that up as tactic to shift blame. I love Emily very much, but it hurts me terribly when she refuses to admit any culpability in the arguments we get into. Yes, my getting upset about what she said stems completely from my feelings of insecurity- but she doesn�t need to get mad at me for feeling insecure- reactions such as that are only going to make me feel worse. She said she wanted me to be open and honest with her, but last night when I was trying to do that, she said that knowing those things really makes her doubt that we should be getting married... So I am in a catch 22. She doesn�t feel we should get married if I keep my anxieties and worries bottled up, but then when I let them out, she feels like we shouldn�t get married. How can I win? All in all, I very much realize that I am not the most rational person in the world and that some of my emotional needs and desire for reassurance seem ridiculous to her. However, I don�t think it would kill her to humor me a little- especially with all the other crap going on right now with my dad and my job. I need a little boost right now, and rather than giving me one, I almost feel as though she�s kicking me while I�m down. I've spent a portion of this morning at work seeing if my insurance will cover counseling. I know I need to go, but I'm really hoping Emily will come with me.

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