Well, I was going to write in celebration that once again Terri Shiavo�s selfish parents got their asses handed to them on a platter by yet another court ruling, but frankly, I am getting sick and tired of the whole ordeal and don�t really care anymore.

My IBS is acting up again. I�ve been taking the meds my doctor gave me, but for some reason they haven�t been doing much good this week. I had to use the bathroom at work this morning, which I hate to do. I was going about my job when all of a sudden I felt like Harry in �Dumb and Dumber� after Lloyd spiked his tea with Turbo Lax. One minute I was fine, and then, without warning, my bowels decided to execute an emergency purge. I broke out in a cold sweat and got to the bathroom as quickly as I could as I felt the contents of my intestines rapidly moving toward the promise land. Of course, once I get in there, I notice there is someone else using one of the stalls. Now normally, I don�t really have a problem dropping the kids off at the pool if someone else is in there, but in this instance, I really didn�t want anyone else hearing the sure to be cataclysmic noise the combination of gas and liquid feces was going to make upon its exit from my colon. So I sat their waiting for this person to leave- all the while having to use every once of strength in me to keep my o-ring cinched. For what seemed to be an eternity I sat poised for the moment, sweat beading on my forehead- hands clenching my pants until I finally heard his toilet flush. I immediately let go, and in one huge torrent, the Chipotle burrito I had for dinner the night before ended its very brief trip through my digestive tract (you may ask how I know exactly what meal it was that exploded out of my anus, so let me assure you that last night was the only time recently I can remember eating any corn). It truly is amazing how the waves of relief and pleasure just wash over you once something like this has taken place. Let me tell ya- this rivaled some of the best orgasms I can remember having. The excruciating pain and tension is immediately replaced by a complete sense of relaxation. Its feels as though gravity has temporarily lost its grip and you�re able to just float away- light as a feather. That is of course until you are suddenly reminded that you ordered that burrito with hot sauce, which is infinitely more spicy going out than it was going in. I felt as though someone had jammed a burning ember up my cornhole. What I would have given for a giant block of ice to sit on at that moment... While waiting for the fire on my ass to die down, feeling completely spent, I noticed a couple of ants scurrying across the bathroom floor. I watched them, one following the other in a random pattern. After a little while, I noticed a couple more on the other side of toilet... then I noticed three other ones... and then three more. Before long, I had counted over thirty ants running around the floor in and around my stall. I suddenly began thinking of those B horror flicks with giant swarms of various insects that devour people alive. At that moment, I figured I should probably clean up and leave ASAP before the ants overtook me and all that remained was pile of clothes, my wallet, and the bucket of rusty water I had just deposited in the john. Going out like that would just be way too embarrassing.

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